You know how sometimes you can look at a person and tell they are just all kinds of stressed out. Its normally the person sitting on the train, shaking their leg up and down, checking their phone every five minutes and their eyes are bugging out like Steve Buscemi. You know what you should do, give ‘em an encouraging smile to know everything will be okay. Flash a nice little smirk that says, “Keep on keeping on friend, it will all work out.”
And when you give me that smile I’m gonna look at you like you’re a freak and then pretend to play a game on my phone.

You know how sometimes you can look at a person and tell they are just all kinds of stressed out. Its normally the person sitting on the train, shaking their leg up and down, checking their phone every five minutes and their eyes are bugging out like Steve Buscemi. You know what you should do, give ‘em an encouraging smile to know everything will be okay. Flash a nice little smirk that says, “Keep on keeping on friend, it will all work out.”

And when you give me that smile I’m gonna look at you like you’re a freak and then pretend to play a game on my phone.

In stressful or nerve-wrecking situations, my brain goes on a type of autopilot. Because of this, I’ve said some pretty stupid and possibly rude/mean things without realizing it. I just want to apologize for the following behavior:
-Sorry about the time I was at an improv competition I didn’t win and wasn’t paying attention and congratulated someone who also lost. My brain was no longer calculating faces. It was just saying, “nearest exit that way.” Everything else was too much to handle.
-Sorry about the time I was at the office Christmas party and was so nervous about small talk that I stopped listening to words and just automatically responded to everyone with, “Good, you too.” It never applied and I never realized I did it.
-Sorry about the time I was stressed about getting to a dinner on time and was listening to Beyonce to pump myself up to go and didn’t realize this stranger was telling me to push my way on the train or I’d never get it on. That was actually really helpful and I didn’t mean to throw you shade.
-Sorry I laughed when the cashier asked, “How are you?” That is my first response to things when I didn’t hear what you said.

In stressful or nerve-wrecking situations, my brain goes on a type of autopilot. Because of this, I’ve said some pretty stupid and possibly rude/mean things without realizing it. I just want to apologize for the following behavior:

-Sorry about the time I was at an improv competition I didn’t win and wasn’t paying attention and congratulated someone who also lost. My brain was no longer calculating faces. It was just saying, “nearest exit that way.” Everything else was too much to handle.

-Sorry about the time I was at the office Christmas party and was so nervous about small talk that I stopped listening to words and just automatically responded to everyone with, “Good, you too.” It never applied and I never realized I did it.

-Sorry about the time I was stressed about getting to a dinner on time and was listening to Beyonce to pump myself up to go and didn’t realize this stranger was telling me to push my way on the train or I’d never get it on. That was actually really helpful and I didn’t mean to throw you shade.

-Sorry I laughed when the cashier asked, “How are you?” That is my first response to things when I didn’t hear what you said.

Once upon a time, there was a Panda and a Meerkat…
Meerkat was a freshman in college and was making out with people she thought had nice faces.
Panda was stage managing the freshman theatre/musical theatre showcase entitled Perf-101 and wooing some other friendly theatre animals.
Meerkat thought Panda was funny and appreciated his jokes during Perf-101 rehearsals. She even one time brought up the fact he looked like a panda, which was really just stating the obvious.
Meerkat continued to make out with other nice faced douchebags. Panda continued wooing friendly theatre animals.
Panda and Meerkat began to talk a bit. Meerkat told Panda he was really good in Romeo and Juliet. Panda told Meerkat she had a pretty funny audition for The Tragical Tale of Dr. Faustus.
On Valentine’s Day, they both drunkenly texted each other. Panda said that he would really miss Meerkat when he graduated. Meerkat said she would miss Panda too.
Panda and Meerkat begun to hang out in between classes on a couch outside the Black Box. Panda would walk Meerkat to her voice lesson afterwards.
Then one day, Panda asked Meerkat to dinner. Meerkat said yes.
Panda and Meerkat casually hang out and casually kiss each others faces.
One day drunkenly Panda called Meerkat his girlfriend. Meerkat was excited about it.
Panda graduated and Meerkat was sad about it but didn’t show it. Panda made plans to go to Big Sky Land and didn’t know what he would do after that.
Panda decided he and Meerkat should break up when he left because he didn’t know if he would ever be back again.
Panda left for Big Sky Land. Meerkat was very sad.
3 days of sadness passed.
Panda called Meerkat and asked if she wanted to get back together. Meerkat said yes.
Meerkat and Panda were happy again, even though they were far apart.
Panda moved back. They were very, very happy.
As the years went by, they had happiness and they also had sadness. They even spent a particularly rough time in Winter Madness but Spring came and everything was better.
Meerkat and Panda realized they had spent 4 years together, happily and funnily. They celebrated by seeing a movie and later, seeing a Bearded Funny Man.
Meerkat and Panda decided to leave their little town and move to A Windy City by the Lake, together.
Meerkat and Panda’s story is not over so they can’t say “Happily Ever After” but they can promise that wherever the story ends, it will end with them together.

Once upon a time, there was a Panda and a Meerkat…

Meerkat was a freshman in college and was making out with people she thought had nice faces.

Panda was stage managing the freshman theatre/musical theatre showcase entitled Perf-101 and wooing some other friendly theatre animals.

Meerkat thought Panda was funny and appreciated his jokes during Perf-101 rehearsals. She even one time brought up the fact he looked like a panda, which was really just stating the obvious.

Meerkat continued to make out with other nice faced douchebags. Panda continued wooing friendly theatre animals.

Panda and Meerkat began to talk a bit. Meerkat told Panda he was really good in Romeo and Juliet. Panda told Meerkat she had a pretty funny audition for The Tragical Tale of Dr. Faustus.

On Valentine’s Day, they both drunkenly texted each other. Panda said that he would really miss Meerkat when he graduated. Meerkat said she would miss Panda too.

Panda and Meerkat begun to hang out in between classes on a couch outside the Black Box. Panda would walk Meerkat to her voice lesson afterwards.

Then one day, Panda asked Meerkat to dinner. Meerkat said yes.

Panda and Meerkat casually hang out and casually kiss each others faces.

One day drunkenly Panda called Meerkat his girlfriend. Meerkat was excited about it.

Panda graduated and Meerkat was sad about it but didn’t show it. Panda made plans to go to Big Sky Land and didn’t know what he would do after that.

Panda decided he and Meerkat should break up when he left because he didn’t know if he would ever be back again.

Panda left for Big Sky Land. Meerkat was very sad.

3 days of sadness passed.

Panda called Meerkat and asked if she wanted to get back together. Meerkat said yes.

Meerkat and Panda were happy again, even though they were far apart.

Panda moved back. They were very, very happy.

As the years went by, they had happiness and they also had sadness. They even spent a particularly rough time in Winter Madness but Spring came and everything was better.

Meerkat and Panda realized they had spent 4 years together, happily and funnily. They celebrated by seeing a movie and later, seeing a Bearded Funny Man.

Meerkat and Panda decided to leave their little town and move to A Windy City by the Lake, together.

Meerkat and Panda’s story is not over so they can’t say “Happily Ever After” but they can promise that wherever the story ends, it will end with them together.

People either don’t apologize or apologize too much. When you are in hurry, its another person’s fault for existing on the sidewalk. When you are presenting something, you apologize for being a person doing something in front of other persons. A middle ground would be ideal but lets be honest, we no longer live in a world of middle ground. So lets banish sorry.
I suggest we replace it “Fuckin’ nuts man.”

People either don’t apologize or apologize too much. When you are in hurry, its another person’s fault for existing on the sidewalk. When you are presenting something, you apologize for being a person doing something in front of other persons. A middle ground would be ideal but lets be honest, we no longer live in a world of middle ground. So lets banish sorry.

I suggest we replace it “Fuckin’ nuts man.”

I used to tell people I was 100% Polish on St. Patrick’s Day. Guys, this was a lie. I know you are all really betrayed and devastated by this. I’m actually Irish…and Scottish…and German…and Polish…and Slovakian…and a whole bunch of other Eastern European things.
I didn’t want to claim an bit of Irish on St. Patrick’s Day because I wanted an excuse why I don’t give a fuck about it. Now, this was mostly in elementary school because that is when the holiday is tame and basically just involves food and decorations being green.
However, I know realize this lie has no standing because on St. Patrick’s Day it doesn’t seem to matter that you are Irish. What matters is your love of getting think-your-best-friend-is-a-picture-on-the-wall drunk and consuming green beer.
Now at first, I thought this might be appealing. Then I realized. I like getting drunk on days where other people are just being regular people not future alcoholics with fake Irish accents. I prefer to be the obnoxious one on the Metro, singing loudly about what an injustice it is. That’s right, I said singing.
However, this is not a good enough excuse. So, I reverted back to my elementary school excuse, “I’m actually 100% Polish and they don’t believe in St. Patrick’s Day.”

I used to tell people I was 100% Polish on St. Patrick’s Day. Guys, this was a lie. I know you are all really betrayed and devastated by this. I’m actually Irish…and Scottish…and German…and Polish…and Slovakian…and a whole bunch of other Eastern European things.

I didn’t want to claim an bit of Irish on St. Patrick’s Day because I wanted an excuse why I don’t give a fuck about it. Now, this was mostly in elementary school because that is when the holiday is tame and basically just involves food and decorations being green.

However, I know realize this lie has no standing because on St. Patrick’s Day it doesn’t seem to matter that you are Irish. What matters is your love of getting think-your-best-friend-is-a-picture-on-the-wall drunk and consuming green beer.

Now at first, I thought this might be appealing. Then I realized. I like getting drunk on days where other people are just being regular people not future alcoholics with fake Irish accents. I prefer to be the obnoxious one on the Metro, singing loudly about what an injustice it is. That’s right, I said singing.

However, this is not a good enough excuse. So, I reverted back to my elementary school excuse, “I’m actually 100% Polish and they don’t believe in St. Patrick’s Day.”

Coffee Shops
A How To:
1.) Don’t go to Starbucks. 2.) Walk about 4 blocks off the mainstreet. 3.) Enter coffee shop between two homes. Preferably has a chalkboard menu with an ironic or comical coffee themed take on the weather or current event. 4.) Order a coffee or tea with a funky name (ex. London Fog, Poor Over, Cortado) 5.) Swipe your credit card on their personal iPad. 6.) Add a tip because you feel bad that they are watching you. 7.) Wait for your coffee/tea while also pressuring thick-rimmed glasses and slouchy hat wearer to leave the only seat seemingly available by lurking and coughing in his direction.  8.) Grab the table as soon as motions towards his jacket.  9.) Put all your stuff down and just as you pull out your laptop, Barista will call your coffee/tea 10.) Walk to pick it up while also never taking your eyes off your laptop. 11.) Walk back to your laptop. Sit down. Get settled. 12.) Open your laptop to check Facebook. 13.) Realize you forgot to ask for the Wifi password. 14.) Go back up to the counter, ask for the wifi. It will be something coffee related and also comical or ironic. 15.) Walk back quickly, repeating the password in your head so you don’t forget.  16.) Log on to facebook quickly.  17.) Sign off immediately when you feel like people are judging you for being on Facebook in a coffee shop.  18.) Open a scripting writing software or a word document.  19.) Pull out your moleskin journal. 20.) Turn to the page with the most artsy and intricate notes. 21.) Start typing on your computer. 22.) Look super serious about it. 23.) Fight the urge to check Facebook or Tumblr. Its serious here.  24.) Drink your coffee while never taking your eyes off the screen. 25.) Pretend you didn’t just burn your whole mouth because you forgot to let it cool down. 26.) Stay for 4 hours while many people trying to get you to leave your seat. You’re writing too much seriousness to be bothered by them. 27.) When the rush dies down, leave right in the middle of it. 28.) Leave all your old coffee cup there so people can’t figure out if you just quickly ran to the bathroom or actually left. 29.) Sigh loudly as you leave so people know you did alot of serious work here.  30.) Run back in because you left you slouchy hat on the table with your old coffee.

Coffee Shops

A How To:

1.) Don’t go to Starbucks.
2.) Walk about 4 blocks off the mainstreet.
3.) Enter coffee shop between two homes. Preferably has a chalkboard menu with an ironic or comical coffee themed take on the weather or current event.
4.) Order a coffee or tea with a funky name (ex. London Fog, Poor Over, Cortado)
5.) Swipe your credit card on their personal iPad.
6.) Add a tip because you feel bad that they are watching you.
7.) Wait for your coffee/tea while also pressuring thick-rimmed glasses and slouchy hat wearer to leave the only seat seemingly available by lurking and coughing in his direction.
8.) Grab the table as soon as motions towards his jacket.
9.) Put all your stuff down and just as you pull out your laptop, Barista will call your coffee/tea
10.) Walk to pick it up while also never taking your eyes off your laptop.
11.) Walk back to your laptop. Sit down. Get settled.
12.) Open your laptop to check Facebook.
13.) Realize you forgot to ask for the Wifi password.
14.) Go back up to the counter, ask for the wifi. It will be something coffee related and also comical or ironic.
15.) Walk back quickly, repeating the password in your head so you don’t forget.
16.) Log on to facebook quickly.
17.) Sign off immediately when you feel like people are judging you for being on Facebook in a coffee shop.
18.) Open a scripting writing software or a word document.
19.) Pull out your moleskin journal.
20.) Turn to the page with the most artsy and intricate notes.
21.) Start typing on your computer.
22.) Look super serious about it.
23.) Fight the urge to check Facebook or Tumblr. Its serious here.
24.) Drink your coffee while never taking your eyes off the screen.
25.) Pretend you didn’t just burn your whole mouth because you forgot to let it cool down.
26.) Stay for 4 hours while many people trying to get you to leave your seat. You’re writing too much seriousness to be bothered by them.
27.) When the rush dies down, leave right in the middle of it.
28.) Leave all your old coffee cup there so people can’t figure out if you just quickly ran to the bathroom or actually left.
29.) Sigh loudly as you leave so people know you did alot of serious work here.
30.) Run back in because you left you slouchy hat on the table with your old coffee.